I am a male student, age 24. From my childhood I have been attracted to both males and females. I don't have a girlfriend, and most of my friends are male. If they are very attractive, I get sexually aroused while talking with them. I don't want to have such feelings -- I want to be just a friend to them. For the past year I have been attracted to one of my close friends, and I get aroused if he is near me. Lately I have been fantasizing about him in my dreams and ejaculating. I don't want a sexual relationship with him; I want to keep his friendship forever. What should I do?

R.

It's possible to have sexual feelings, fantasies and dreams without acting upon them. If you truly do not want to have a sexual relationship with your friend, your best bet is probably to refrain from any sexual contact with him. You may be able to have an emotionally intimate relationship without becoming physically intimate. And who knows? In time the sexual feelings may wane.

I'm wondering, though, why it is that you don't want to have a sexual relationship with your friend. Is it that you don't want to run the risk of losing a beautiful friendship should a sexual relationship not work out? Are there religious or cultural proscriptions against same-sex sexual activity in your community? Are such relationships against your own values or beliefs? Do you wish to marry a woman someday and have children, and see a same-sex relationship as taking you down a different path?

These are important questions and issues. I hope you have access to someone you trust with whom you can talk about this situation. What about speaking with a therapist or counselor, a clergyperson, a teacher?

You may be aware that current scientific thought is that people tend to be born with predispositions regarding sexual orientation. Some people are primarily attracted toward the opposite sex (although it's common for even the staunchest heterosexual to have had homosexual feelings at some point in his or her life, and even to have experimented with same-sex activity at some point -- usually in adolescence or early adulthood). Some people are primarily attracted toward the same sex, and may have few if any sexual feelings for the opposite sex (although they, too, may have experimented with such behavior). And some people are in between those poles, being attracted toward the opposite sex and the same sex in various degrees.

I don't believe that same-sex activity or relationships are inherently pathological or wrong. They may be a good fit for some people, and a bad fit for others. I do know, however, that many cultures have proscriptions -- sometimes with dire consequences -- against such behavior. I don't know if your culture is one of those or not. That's one of the reasons I recommend that you find someone with whom you can safely talk face-to-face about these issues. Good luck.