I am an attractive 28-year-old male. I am very social and have many opportunities to have sexual relations with women. However, I think I might be addicted to masturbation. I have little interest in getting to know a woman for sex, even if I am attracted to her. I would rather go home at the end of the night and masturbate than have sex. Ever since puberty I have masturbated frequently. There have also been times when I have had trouble getting an erection with girls. One issue that bothers me is that my penis is abnormally small, and I've been told so gently by previous lovers. I feel very self-conscious about it, and maybe that is one reason I flee from sexual engagement with women. I want a long-lasting healthy relationship with a wonderful woman, but I can't seem to change my habits. When I make a conscious decision to "break the habit" and involve myself in a relationship, I somehow destroy it or fall back to my old ways.

B.N.

I can't say for sure whether you're "addicted" to masturbation, or masturbating compulsively, without talking with you personally. You do acknowledge some concerns about sexual activities with real-life women, however, and that may be the best issue to focus on in this venue.

If you're self-conscious about the size of your penis (and if it truly is unusually small), it may help to talk with a therapist about your feelings and how they affect your relationships. If you're concerned about being able to sexually satisfy a partner, rest assured that there are many ways besides penile penetration to bring a woman to orgasm ... oral or digital (hand) manipulation of the clitoris, for example. A therapist can also help you identify and address any fears of EMOTIONAL intimacy that may be contributing to your troubles.

Focusing on the sexual aspect of a relationship with a woman may not be the best thing for you to do right now, especially if what you ultimately desire is a healthy, long-term relationship. Why not focus at this time of your life on getting to know a woman -- and letting her get to know you -- for the sake of developing a closer EMOTIONAL relationship? And not bringing sexual intercourse into the picture until you and she care enough about each other to work through any difficulties or adjustments together? The best partnerships are built on friendship and mutual respect, anyway, because passion can wax and wane throughout a long-term relationship. It's friendship (or companionship) that sustains partners through sexually lean times.

If you're a well-rounded guy who has interests besides sex, treats yourself and others (including, of course, women) with respect, has a decent job, etc., women WILL find you emotionally as well as sexually attractive. And women who truly care about you will not pressure you to have sex before you feel willing to, and will be able to discuss your concerns in a gentle and nonjudgmental manner. If, once you do become sexually involved with a committed partner, you feel the need for help on specific sexual matters, you might benefit from consulting a certified sex therapist (a professional therapist trained to address sexual issues and problems with couples and individuals). Good luck.